Why Being Mean to Yourself Isn't Helping Your Anxiety (And What to Do Instead)

If you’re like many of the people I work with, chances are you’re your own worst critic.

You push yourself hard. You have high expectations. You believe if you could just get it together or stop making mistakes, everything would finally fall into place. But instead of motivating you, this inner critic leaves you feeling discouraged, stuck, and never quite “enough.”

Let’s get one thing straight: being mean to yourself doesn’t work. It doesn’t make you more successful, more motivated, or more in control. What it does do is erode your confidence, your energy, and your belief in yourself.

Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion

Think about how you talk to someone you love when they’re struggling — maybe your child, a close friend, or a partner. Would you tell them they’re a failure? That they should be doing more? That they’re not allowed to mess up?

Of course not. You’d offer reassurance, kindness, and encouragement. That’s self-compassion — and you deserve it too.

Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about being honest with yourself in a supportive way. It’s the opposite of perfectionism — and that’s a good thing.

Perfectionism: A Hamster Wheel That Leads Nowhere

Perfectionism tells you there’s some ideal version of you out there — flawless, productive, endlessly in control — and that if you just try hard enough, you’ll finally become that person.

But that person doesn’t exist.

Perfectionism is a myth. It’s an unattainable standard that keeps you on a mental hamster wheel, always running, never arriving. It doesn’t fill the void — it creates it. And no amount of achievement will ever be enough if your worth is tied to being perfect.

Start Noticing the Rules You Live By

Many of us are living by invisible “rules” we never chose. You might believe you’re only worthy if you’re constantly productive, always agreeable, never upset, or never messy. These rules are often internalized early on — from family, school, or culture — and they tend to be unrealistic and exhausting.

Start asking yourself:

• What expectations have I set for myself?

• Would I hold someone I love to the same standard?

• What might it feel like to loosen the grip just a little?

Give Yourself Permission to Be Human

To be human is to be imperfect. You will make mistakes. You will fall short sometimes. That’s not failure — that’s life.

When you practice self-compassion, you give yourself permission to learn, grow, rest, and begin again. You create space to move forward instead of getting stuck in self-blame.

If you’re not sure where to start, try this:

• Picture yourself as a little kid. What did you need to hear back then? What would have made you feel safe, loved, and enough? Say those things to yourself now.

• Notice your inner voice. Would you say those same critical words to a friend? If not, it’s time to speak to yourself with the same care.

You don’t have to earn your worth by being perfect.

You’re allowed to be a work in progress. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to be kind to yourself.

And if you’re tired of carrying the weight of self-criticism alone, therapy can help. You deserve support, not shame — and healing begins when you give yourself the compassion you’ve always needed.